Tears Speak to Balance

I've been missing my daughter, missing her face, missing our connection... But is this missing just my missing being a mother? I continue to struggle with where I am now: a member of the not so elite empty nest and woman-in-her-sixties club. When I lose my footing, the tears come. My tears are speaking to me, telling me I am off balance. For the daughter is doing extremely well: working 20-25 hours a week and attending college classes. She is coming into her own. I waiver on a tightrope, wanting to come into my own, wanting to drop all the anchors that make my balancing act difficult. These emotional anchors of sadness and loneliness won't let go. So I tip to one side and then I tip to the other side. I haven't fallen, but I've come close.

The connection I want with my daughter, is the connection I long for with women friends. I called Anna this morning. She has become a dear friend and I know I have my women's full moon circle. I have been e-mailing updates and finding each month's priestess because I need this circle. If I want to be a part of something I have to give a part of my soul to its development.

I am subscribing to a couple of writers blogs and they are both inspiring. The post this morning from Ollin* was particularly thoughtful. It was about being ¼ writer when we don't deal with the happenings in our lives. He keeps a daily journal, has his blog and is working on a novel. How do I motivate myself to accomplish more? I am running away from beginning my own blog. I am not sure how to begin, what the first post should be. And I am not sure if I even want to have a blog. I am struggling with the issue of public versus private. I want people to read my writing and I want to write entries that will give people an emotional, spiritual, aha insight. My writing is capable of this and I know it. But doing a blog is apparently a huge step for me and I am tip toeing to the starting gate.

My morning high school student called and she has a doctor's appointment this morning. I rescheduled her for later in the afternoon and now I am thinking this might be a better switch for her. I've been depressed by her home situation but here is a kid who has been responsible in letting me know changes in her schedule and here is a kid who yesterday asked for some work in math because she needs/wants it. My hope for her is rising. I am reminding myself that I usually see the positive in all my students. Her having a baby is motivating her to be a better, more educated person and thus a better mother. And who am I to label her situation depressing? She has been raised in a different atmosphere and with other values but she has been loved to the degree that her mother can love her. My job is to support her strength and to value her beauty.

Why have I been down? The gray weather is a factor and the wanting to have a fuller life is a factor. As Dan and I searched for entertainment this last weekend, it became symbolic of my search for the activities I love and fill me up with energetic joy. I rediscovered hiking on Monday. As Ollin pointed out in his post as writers and humans we need to care for and fill up all the parts of ourselves: the emotional, the physical, the spiritual, the intellectual. I see these attributes as a whole and often indistinguishable from one another. So maybe I have to remember to fill my cup from a combination of all four.  And then maybe I'll walk upright with balance on my tightrope.
*Courage2Create ollinmorales.wordpress.com