March 2, 2012: “The universe wants to be noticed.” (The Fault in Our Stars)
The lessons of seeing keep being in the forefront these past few weeks. I decide to check out new frames before my eye appointment this coming Monday morning. I park at my usual spot near the Bijou Theater and walk to Rainbow Optics. I hear the echo of John Green's words about seeing the universe as I stroll the sidewalks. The air is clean, the sun is desperately trying to break through the cloud cover, young college students are striding more swiftly than I to their classes or sitting with that last minute cup of coffee. But then, there at the corner up ahead is a short in statue, older, silver haired woman in this luscious purple jacket. I am not the only senior citizen who loves coming to the university area. I pass her by and head into Rainbow Optics.
I have the whole place to myself and this super young gal, Brittany, ingratiates herself by offering to assist me. She is overly eager in her helping and she finally leaves while I try on pair after pair of glasses. She has steered me to the value section after she mentions the $200 and above cost of the designer frames. While I'm trying on frames, I see once again how much I have aged. I never feel as old as I look until I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. It seems that every mirror outside my own home makes me look twice as old.
I know how petty, how meaningless it is to spend so much time trying to find a pair of glasses that will “make me appear” a certain way. I think I want to recreate myself. This time it's into “the intellectual” who for years I have tried to spurn. But since participating in the University's Insight Seminars and since creating a “culture club” with a few women I have met there, I know that being intelligent has been part of my make-up my whole life. I had to veer away from it after graduate school because I needed to balance the rational, the mind, with the emotional and the passionate. It took the raising of dear daughter Aspen to bring me that balance. And with the return to the empty nest, I am returning to my deep love of learning and seeing the universe!
I spend nearly an hour trying to choose three frames that Brittany says I can take home before making my final decision. How vain I am when I consider I rarely wear my glasses in the public world, though now that I think about it, I do carry my glasses everywhere. I can't read fine print anymore without them and so perhaps I need to revise the above statement. I do wear my glasses to read menus, to attend lectures, to read handouts, to teach, etc. But really why do I continue to worry about what I look like? John Green says, “We also want the universe to notice us.” And so I do. But I want to be noticed for my writing, my teaching, my compassion, my conversation, my ideas. I suppose our outer appearance is our first window to the world. People don't see our insides until later and some people never see our insides, the whole of who we are. Seeing takes on many forms.
I'm striding back down the sidewalk towards my car and the sun is brighter and I wish I had another errand to do. I could stop for coffee but lately I've been drinking way too much coffee. I continue walking, wondering why I allow so many gaps of time in my life when time is fast running out. Maybe the gaps aren't gaps but open spaces where deeper vision is possible. The mind clutters our seeing. I know this because I can be outside walking and not remember the scenery I have barely passed by. I shake my head and discover I have been walking around inside my brain instead. So having no goal, not necessarily being productive, can be a good thing if the eyes are wide and taking in the surrounding natural landscape and its inhabitants.
I realize another reason for “remaking” myself is because I am tired of the lonely me, the missing my daughter me. I have this whole other life even if I do get up every morning and make breakfast for one. There are more women in my life than ever before and I have recently come to acknowledge that I don't have to accept every woman who comes into my life as a friend. I can pick the ones who bring me joy, who acknowledge me as a valuable person to know, who get me and see me. The creation of the culture group has given me this resolve. Already I feel more excited and inspired by these stimulating, well-rounded, aging-gracefully women than many of my previous relationships.
How I wish I could erase my self-conscious nature. This directly connects to viewing myself in mirrors, worrying about how others see me on the outside and being nervous about the words that flow from my inside. I am socially adept with strangers, less so with the people I care or want to care about. I reach my car and climb into the driver's seat. It is a quick trip home. Lacey our dog is waiting for me and is ready to go out into the backyard. I know in my heart that for all my social nervousness, I can only be myself. And whether this self gets me into trouble or not is simply part of the process of living my life. I admit I do want the universe to see me. But first I have to see me. I have to see I am who I am and that I am a continual work in progress. I don't want to stagnate, but I don't want to make myself over into something I am not. My passionate heart beats steadily, my over alert mind thinks profusely, my written words continue to strive for a clear and renewable vision.
© 2012
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